France’s ambassador to the United Kingdom, Daniel Louis Bernard, once called Israel “that shitty little country” and asked, “Why should the world be in danger of World War Three because of those people?” Now it seems that “France is already in negotiations with Iran as to what ceasefire it will accept” in the war between Israel and Hezbollah. It is time to explore the underlying reasons why everybody just loves to hate, or at least make fun of, that s*itty little country that borders on Spain and Germany. More seriously, this article will show why no one who values his country’s future should listen to a single word that France has to say.

http://voanews.com/english/2006-07-22-voa9.cfm

France’s foreign minister is calling for an immediate cease-fire in the Israel-Lebanon crisis, saying the conflict risks destroying Lebanon.

From our perspective, it is amazing that France has the temerity to claim any authority to negotiate a cease-fire in a conflict to which it is not even a party– unless of course it wants to surrender and then collaborate with the Iranians. The last time France negotiated a cease-fire was in 1940 and what began as rape turned into consensual sex when Vichy France spread its legs like a common street prostitute and made passionate love to the Hun. The Vichy French were so eager to please their new Teutonic lover that they:

(1) Rounded up Jews for deportation to concentration camps
(2) Turned French Resistance fighters (Maquisards) and Free French soldiers over to the Gestapo for torture and execution
(3) Refused to scuttle French warships to prevent them from falling into Nazi hands, thus requiring the Royal Navy to attack and sink the vessels. The Royal Navy is always at its best when sinking French warships so we don’t think the British can really complain but it’s the principle that counts. Sir Winston Churchill noted that, the French at Oran finally fought “with all their vigour for the first time since the war broke out.”
(4) Fired on American and British troops during the invasion of North Africa. It is worth recounting exactly how our dear (Vichy) Frog friends welcomed our initial efforts at liberating their s*itty little country from the Nazis:

At Casablanca, the immediate answer to the question of French resistance was answered just before seven o’clock, when the French fired on American landing craft. By 0704, under fire from the shore battery at El Hank and Battleship Jean Bart, the Massachusetts fired the first American 16-inch gun salvos of World War II in anger. In sixteen minutes she fired nine main battery salvos, scoring five hits. Heavily damaged, the Jean Bart was silenced.

Battleship Massachusetts also returned fire on Battery El Hank. French submarines, destroyers, and a light cruiser sortied from Casablanca to engage the American forces. Loaded exclusively with armor-piercing main battery ammunition, she was not well fitted to engage shore batteries and smaller ships. However, between 1000 and 1030, the Massachusetts sank Destroyer Boulonnais and shared the sinking of Destroyer Fougueux. The Massachusetts was hit once forward by Battery El Hank and dodged four very well-aimed torpedoes. The Massachusetts expended 786 rounds of sixteen-inch ammunition during the Battle of Casablanca, about 60 percent of her magazines.

A picture of the cruiser U.S.S. Augusta being fired at by the Jean Bart.

This is recent history but we must go back even further to answer Mon-Sewer Bernard’s question, “Why should the world be in danger of World War Three because of those people?” with another question: “Why DID the world fight a world war because of ‘those people?’” And by “those people” we do not mean Israelis but French.

Americans make the frequent mistake of liking France because of its claim to be a republic almost as old as the United States. The truth of the matter is that “Liberte, Egalite, et Fraternite” loses something in the translation and really means, “Let’s behave like militant Muslims and chop off heads.” That is, after all, what the French Revolution was really about: chopping the heads off people who were not even involved in purported injustices, just because they happened to be aristocrats. Thousands of heads were chopped off as public entertainment while women arrived early so they could do their knitting right next to the guillotine.

Now, some might argue that the United States owes France a debt of friendship for helping us win the War of Independence. Upon arriving in France in 1917, General Pershing proclaimed, “Lafayette, we are here.” The problem is that the French king who helped us was guillotined in the name of “Liberte, Egalite, et Fraternite.” As for Lafayette,

On 10 August 1792 the monarchy was overthrown, Danton took control, and the Assembly impeached Lafayette. Knowing he would be executed if he returned to Paris, Lafayette deserted his command and fled into Belgium, which at the time was part of the Austrian Netherlands.

Even when France was helping us during the War of Independence, the Alliance managed to pump as many cannon balls into the Bonhomme Richard as she did into H.M.S. Serapis during the action off Flamborough Head. We wonder if “Alliance” is French for “friendly fire.”

Why DID the world have a world war because of “those people?”
Once the French became bored with chopping the heads off other French people, they decided to start killing their neighbors and taking over their countries, much as another famous dictator started doing in the late 1930s. The French, in fact, DID start a genuine world war; there was fighting on at least three continents and perhaps four, if Moscow is considered part of Asia and not Europe. It is sad to say that England’s boorish behavior on the high seas (which included kidnapping American sailors, a blatant act of war) forced the United States into that world war on the wrong side. The English-speaking people of the world should have fought side by side against the common enemy.

http://www.omdurman.org/pictures/napoleon.jpg

Fortunately, after more than 15 years of fighting and the loss of millions of lives, the world war that “those people” started ended in 1815. When the French realized that Napleon Bonaparte (a Corsican and not even a genuine Frenchman) was the last general they had who could even threaten British or Prussian troops with anything resembling defeat, they understood that the only way to win a conflict was to fight each other. Since they were fighting other Frenchmen, they at least stood a slight chance of winning. And fight they did. The cry “To the barricades!” originated during the revolution of 1830, the setting of Les Miserables, in which France acted like a stereotypical South American banana republic. There was yet another revolution in 1848, thus suggesting that France wanted to compete with Mexico for being the most “revolting” country on earth.

France could not, however, compete with Mexico’s army on the battlefield. Despite Mexico’s own pathetic performance during the Mexican War, in which American soldiers routinely beat three times their number of Mexicans, war with France was another matter. Mexico still celebrates its Fifth of May victory over the French Army.

“Shooting Civilians On Sight:” French elan at its best
Having lost to Mexico, France then had the appallingly poor judgment to declare war on Prussia in 1870, with the obvious results:

http://www.omdurman.org/moltke.jpg Helmuth von Moltke relaxing in Versailles

It is no surprise that France has no trouble with militant “Muslims” waging war while disguised as civilians, a practice that France itself invented during the Franco-Prussian War. So-called francs-tireurs (”free shooters”) amused themselves by taking potshots at uniformed Prussian soldiers. von Moltke felt obliged to shoot any that his army took prisoner but he pointed out that the francs-tireurs did not even bother to arrange proper medical facilities for the treatment of their own wounded. In any event, the waging of war by combatants who are disguised as civilians is considered quite honorable and acceptable in France so it is easy to see why France has no problems with the Arabs doing it.

At that point, the French general Patrice MacMahon, having discovered that he did not stand a chance against Prussian soldiers, turned his guns on French civilians (Communards). “The French army spent eight days massacring workers, shooting civilians on sight. Tens of thousands of Communards and workers are summarily executed (as many as 30,000); 38,000 others imprisoned and 7,000 are forcibly deported.” Well, “shooting civilians on sight” is perhaps a task of which the French Army is in fact capable. Maybe this is why the French identify so strongly with Arabs who murder Israeli civilians and saw the heads off prisoners.

French Generals need American soldiers because they have gotten their own killed
In 1914 and 1917 respectively, Great Britain and the United States again made the terrible mistake of saving that s*ittly little country from its just desserts when terrorism followed by diplomatic incompetence (for which Germany, Austria, Russia, and even the United Kingdom admittedly shared responsibility with France) started yet another world war. As shown in Paths of Glory, the French generals’ basic strategy consisted largely of massed infantry charges against entrenched machine guns followed by executions of enlisted French soldiers for “cowardice” when said tactics failed. Unlike Israeli and American officers who don’t ask their men to do anything they won’t do themselves, said French generals led their attacks from comfortable chateaus well to the rear, where they could enjoy catered meals of frog legs and champagne while their men were crawling through the mud and trying not to inhale poison gas.

Should Israel, the United States, or anyone else listen to these people?
Since the First World War killed or maimed most courageous Frenchmen while sparing the cowardly senior officers, it is no surprise that France betrayed Czechoslovakia in 1938. Anyone who contemplates listening to France’s advice about a cease-fire should remember that France advised, or rather demanded that, Czechoslovakia give Hitler the Sudetenland in order to keep the peace. When Hitler wanted more, France acquiesced to his complete takeover of Czechoslovakia. Now the Streetwalker of Europe wants to tell Israel and even the United States how to run their foreign policies.

Even when France finally declared war on the Nazis after the invasion of Poland, the French Army did very little. There is a story to the effect that, after Poland was overrun, escaping Polish soldiers continued to fight in France. A small Polish army fought to delay the Germans while a larger French army escaped, but the French surrendered instead.

http://www.omdurman.org/pictures/french_frog.jpg

At this point, we come to the aforementioned collaboration between Vichy France and Nazi Germany.

The basic problem is that France is in fact the prostitute of Europe, with no national pride other than lip service to the purported greatness of France. Her national symbol is in fact the cockerel, a noisy and colorful but rather ineffectual bird that is related to the chicken. France has, ever since the days of Napoleon, been just as noisy and flamboyant but, shortly after the first shots are fired in any genuine conflict, its first instinct is to drop its rifles, run, surrender, and/or collaborate with the country with which it has picked a fight. This tradition began as long ago as 1415, when the Dauphin (the same one who sold out Joan of Arc in return for her making him king) sent a box of tennis balls to King Henry V as an insult. The result was to make 25 October (Saint Crispin’s Day) almost as easy to remember as 17 March (St. Patrick’s Day).

French labor laws, such as those that demand 40 hours’ pay for 35 hours’ work, are driving industry out of the country and causing rampant unemployment. Militant “Muslims” rampage through the streets at will because the French, having no pride or self-respect, will not lift a finger to stop them. It cannot be denied, however, that France has given the world some architectural wonders like Versailles (built on the backs of French taxpayers) and the Eiffel Tower, an excellent photo of which appears here.

As for any genuine relevence to world affairs, however,

Their greatest leader was a Corsican and their greatest warrior was a 16-year-old girl [whom the Dauphin sold out as soon as the going got a little rough]. Their national holiday is Bastille Day, July 14. In 1789 hundreds of them stole some guns and attacked an empty prison. To this day that hollow victory is their national holiday. The revolution was one war the french won. Of course, they were fighting themselves.

Its powerless aircraft carrier best typifies france, the CVN Charles de Gaulle. This small (40,000 tons compared to USA Nimitz 102,000 tons) ships’ flight deck was too short to land its aircraft, the propeller fell off and its nuclear engine radiates the crew. Currently, the ship is assigned to port.

Jokes or the Truth?
Jokes are supposed to be funny because their premises are so outlandish that they cannot possibly be true. As an example, there is one to the effect that the Grand Canyon came to be because a Jew (or a Scot) dropped a penny down a gopher hole. The image of even the most thrifty person digging the Grand Canyon to retrieve a penny is so extreme that it invites laughter. The problem with French “jokes” is that they are in fact close to the truth.

As an example, “The Arabs declared war on Israel and France surrendered the next day.” It is no surprise that France has decided on what kind of cease-fire it wants to demand for Israel.

Then of course there is, “For sale: 100,000 French rifles. Never fired and dropped only once.” This pretty much states what happened in 1940.

Q: Why can the slowest Frenchman outrun the fastest Prussian?
A: The ones that couldn’t are dead or prisoners. (As happened in 1870-1871)

Q: Why do French women learn so many languages?
A: They never know which country’s soldiers will next want them for war brides. (Noting that France has been used as a parade ground by invading Germans or by liberating Americans and Britons, this also is quite true.)

Q: How do you make Jacques Chirac taller?
A: Give him viagra.

Richard Sharpe, the world needs you!
BBC America is now running the adventures of Sharpe Saturday nights at 19:00 EST. Bernard Cornwall’s protagonist is a soldier who rose from the ranks to become an officer in the Duke of Wellington’s army. The identity of the villains should be quite obvious and they get beaten in every episode. French tactics seem to consist of shoulder-to-shoulder advances toward lines of Redcoats, green-jacketed Riflemen, and/or Congreve Rocket batteries while chanting “Vive la France!” the way Islamofascists chant “Allah akbar!” Since these are Napoleon’s French, they admittedly fire their muskets a couple of times before dropping them but the outcome is pretty much a foregone conclusion.

After watching Sharpe demolish Napoleon’s army, one might also want to see the original Horatio Hornblower movie with Gregory Peck or the more recent series with Ioan Gruffudd to see what becomes of the French Navy. And don’t forget Master and Commander: the Far Side of the World with Russell Crowe to see the French get what they deserve yet again.

What Israel should tell France
Since France wants Israel to accept a cease-fire with Hezbollah, this might be a way to go about it. Israel agrees on the condition that France guarantee that Hezbollah will never again commit an act of violence against Israel. This guarantee would have to include a bond– say a few billion dollars– that would earn interest for France but would be forfeited to Israel the instant Hezbollah fires one rocket or sets off one bomb. (We were going to suggest, “pledge its national honor” but, as France has none, it will have to put up money instead.) If France is unwilling to do this, Israel should tell it in front of the entire world, “Asseyez-vous et fermez votre bouche” i.e. “sit down and shut up.”